I’d Like A Double Water On The Rocks With A Twist Please

Hi everyone,

Hope you had a good week.  I’ve been having interesting conversations this week about technology and the generation that’s trying to find partners through it.  My kids and their friends have learned to navigate relationships by ‘swiping left or right’. The first time someone explained the term ‘ghosting’ to me, I was shocked.  Rather than having to find words to explain to someone why you’re not interested, you simply ignore them and, in fact, they will go away.

Everything seems to happen online and I can’t find the virtual ‘watering hole’ where singles can meet each other.  I remember going to pubs on dates and when I was a student I worked at pubs and watched others on their dates. Today, people still meet on dates, but first they have googled each other, so first dates are not a discovery of the other person but rather a validation of what they found online.  Everyone is at a distinct disadvantage.

I spent time in Israel as a student and I have interesting memories of dating there.  One date involved mulled wine in a unique hovel in the old city of Jaffa. There was no indoor plumbing, the bathroom was outside in a tiny closet shared by a courtyard of studio apartments.  I loved that nothing like that existed in Toronto. There were no seats, there were benches covered with blankets from the old city.

I was enjoying the wine and trying to look mysterious (I wanted to fit the atmosphere and perhaps have a second date) when I excused myself to find the washroom.  I found the outdoor ‘closet’ and squeezed myself in. As I was using the facility, I noticed there was a knob on the wall right in front of me. I am not one to ignore things I don’t know so, of course, I turned the knob. It activated the shower head that was directly above where I was sitting. The shared bathroom I was in doubled as a shower and I couldn’t turn it off for a few seconds until the shock of the moment passed and I realized how to turn it off.  I was drenched…and I was on a date.

I couldn’t leave without explaining why, since I didn’t want to offend my date, he had done nothing wrong (except taking me to a place with a bathroom from hell – yes, I blamed him for a few seconds there).  So I grabbed my sweater from my bag, bunned my hair and went back to the table as if nothing happened. He simply asked me if everything was ok and I said ‘yes, why?’

There was no second date.

In-person encounters are indispensable.  The Torah is full of couples meeting at watering holes.  Rebecca meets Eliezer at a well when she offers to draw water for his camels, as he is on a long journey.  He arranges for her to marry Isaac, who she first meets at a well where he has gone to get away from people for a bit.  And in this week’s Parshah, Vayetzei, Jacob meets Rachel at a well when he opens the well and draws water for her sheep.  The text tells us she is a shepherd (her day job) so essentially, Jacob meets her at the watering hole at work. Eventually, Moses will also meet his wife, Tziporah, at a well and she will bring him home with her.  It becomes tried and true.

Today, in the complex world of technological advancements and societal transformations, where is the virtual well, the watering hole?  Rebecca offered to help someone on their journey and Jacob offered to help someone with their job. Isaac goes to the well to find some quiet when he meets Rebecca and Moses is fleeing from harm when he meets his wife who brings him to family.  These ancient moments show us the complexities of those first few moments – the endless possibilities when we first meet someone unknown to us.

I never explained to my date why my hair was dripping and he never asked what happened.  We were not a good match since my curiosity would do that to me often. There’s only so long he could pretend not to notice.  

So perhaps dating should involve that leap of faith in allowing that people are more complex than their online profiles could ever capture.  If it’s someone you don’t know then there are definite realities in today’s world that need to be considered. There are safety concerns and the true sense that people can more easily misrepresent themselves today. So, as someone who didn’t have to deal with this ‘in my day’, I offer these words: try and focus on the real concerns when investigating a potential date online and leave latitude for the possibility of a wonderful surprise if you accept an offer to meet. Take advice from the ancient world: meet at a public watering hole, watch how they interact with strangers, people who are tired from their day at work or looking for a quiet moment.  

The internet allows us to accept or reject someone based only on what we see.  Whether it’s to meet a partner, a new friend or someone we’re considering for a job, the parshah reminds us that often what attracts us to each other is the chemistry in the air – but we have to sit together to feel it.